JOKES ABOUT HUSBAND AND WIFE
USING EAR AS AN ASHTRAY
- Why do you want to divorce your wife?
- She smokes in bed!
- Well,that`s not a reason for divorce.
- Yes,but also she likes to use my ear as an ashtray!!!
- She smokes in bed!
- Well,that`s not a reason for divorce.
- Yes,but also she likes to use my ear as an ashtray!!!
YOUR HUSBAND NEEDS COMPLETE REST
- Your husband needs complete rest, – doctor cays to a woman. – Here is the prescription for sleeping pills.
- How often does he have to take them,doctor?
- No sleeping pills are for you,so he can have rest.
- How often does he have to take them,doctor?
- No sleeping pills are for you,so he can have rest.
SHE IS IN A HURRY
- Who are you talking there more than an hour? – husband asks his wife, leaning out of the window.
- This is Mrs. Brown, dear. She is in a hurry, and she does not have time to visit us.
- This is Mrs. Brown, dear. She is in a hurry, and she does not have time to visit us.
HOW COME YOU CAN`T TALK
Wife saying to a husband :
- I need to talk to you about something very important,but I can`t because you always drunk.
- How come? I am always drunk,but you are the one who can not talk? I don`t understand.
- I need to talk to you about something very important,but I can`t because you always drunk.
- How come? I am always drunk,but you are the one who can not talk? I don`t understand.
LOST EACH OTHER IN A STORE
Husband and wife lost each other in a big store.
So husband asking very cute salesperson:
- Please,can you smile to me?
- Why?
- If you do,my wife will appear here in a second.
So husband asking very cute salesperson:
- Please,can you smile to me?
- Why?
- If you do,my wife will appear here in a second.
MY WIFE WANTS TO LOSE WEIGHT
- My wife wants to lose some weight,so she is doing a lot of horse riding.
- And,what are the results?
- For one week horse lost 20 pounds.
- And,what are the results?
- For one week horse lost 20 pounds.
NOW IT`S USELESS
- One guy complain to his friend:
- I don`t know what`s wrong with my wife. Every night she is coughing so bad,I can`t even sleep.
- You should send her to a doctor.
- Oh,now it`s useless. Tonight I am leaving to a business trip for a week.
- I don`t know what`s wrong with my wife. Every night she is coughing so bad,I can`t even sleep.
- You should send her to a doctor.
- Oh,now it`s useless. Tonight I am leaving to a business trip for a week.
VERY IMPORTANT MATTER
Wife argue with husband:
- You can`t choose what car to buy almost for five months!!! And when we start dating,you proposed to me after just one week!!!
- Darling,you can`t compare this kind of things. Choosing the car – it is very important matter!!!
- You can`t choose what car to buy almost for five months!!! And when we start dating,you proposed to me after just one week!!!
- Darling,you can`t compare this kind of things. Choosing the car – it is very important matter!!!
HE THINKS THAT HE IS A CHICKEN
Can you imagine,my husband has an obsession!!! All the time he thinks that he is a chicken!!!
– You have to bring him to a doctor.
– No,no,no!!! Then I won`t have fresh eggs for breakfast every day!!!
– You have to bring him to a doctor.
– No,no,no!!! Then I won`t have fresh eggs for breakfast every day!!!
BEAUTIFUL WORDS
Wife saying to her husband :
– Honey,is it true that my eyes blue,like a sky?
– Yes. – husband replied
– And my lips red,like roses?
– Sure.
– Oh,I like it so much,when you saying to me such a beautiful words.
– Honey,is it true that my eyes blue,like a sky?
– Yes. – husband replied
– And my lips red,like roses?
– Sure.
– Oh,I like it so much,when you saying to me such a beautiful words.
ON THE BEACH
Husband and wife are sitting on the beach.
Wife asking husband:
– What do you like more in me : my body or tan?
– Your sense of humor, – husband responded.
Wife asking husband:
– What do you like more in me : my body or tan?
– Your sense of humor, – husband responded.
TOOK EACH OTHER PHONES
They lived happily,until by mistake they took each other phones.
TOO TIRED HUSBAND
Two girlfriends meet each other on the street.
– How is your married life? – one is asking.
– My husband for a last couple of weeks is helping me a lot around a house:watching kids,cooking,doing the shopping,cleaning,doing laundry…..
– How did you convinced him to do that?
– He read the article in one magazine that if woman less tired at the and of the day,then she is much more active in sex.
– And,did it help him?
– I don`t know yet.He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.
– How is your married life? – one is asking.
– My husband for a last couple of weeks is helping me a lot around a house:watching kids,cooking,doing the shopping,cleaning,doing laundry…..
– How did you convinced him to do that?
– He read the article in one magazine that if woman less tired at the and of the day,then she is much more active in sex.
– And,did it help him?
– I don`t know yet.He falls asleep as soon as he hits bed.
HUSBAND AND HIS SOON EX WIFE
Young wife says to her husband:
– Now that we’re married, you’d better stop playing golf. Judge for yourself : – if you sell all the sticks, we can afford to buy new furniture.
– You sound like my ex-wife.
– The ex-wife??? You did not tell me that before you was married to someone!
– I was not,you`ll be my ex soon.
– Now that we’re married, you’d better stop playing golf. Judge for yourself : – if you sell all the sticks, we can afford to buy new furniture.
– You sound like my ex-wife.
– The ex-wife??? You did not tell me that before you was married to someone!
– I was not,you`ll be my ex soon.
MARRIED LIFE
From a married life.
First year : he is talking – she is listening.
Second year : she is talking – he is listening.
Third year : they both are talking – neighbors are listening.
First year : he is talking – she is listening.
Second year : she is talking – he is listening.
Third year : they both are talking – neighbors are listening.
JUST FOR A MINUTE
Wife saying to a husband :
– I `ll go to a neighbor for a minute and you stir soup every 10 minutes.
– I `ll go to a neighbor for a minute and you stir soup every 10 minutes.
DO SOMETHING UNUSUAL
Wife saying to a husband :
– Life is so boring,I want to do something unusual,something that I never did before.
– Ok, – husband reacted, – you can iron my shirt
– Life is so boring,I want to do something unusual,something that I never did before.
– Ok, – husband reacted, – you can iron my shirt
TICKETS ON THE PIANO
Husband and wife going by a taxi to the airport and they where very late. When they almost got to the airport wife says:
– I wish we took our piano with us.
– What a silly thoughts you have in your head? – husband responds.
– I forgot our plane tickets on the piano.
– I wish we took our piano with us.
– What a silly thoughts you have in your head? – husband responds.
– I forgot our plane tickets on the piano.
One Hundred Russian Jokes
Most of these jokes are taken from a wonderful website – called ‘Laughing
Under the Covers’ – about Russian jokes during the time of
Communism. It now sems to have closed down, so I have reproduced it
here with the permission of the author.
In a society where you could be sent to Siberia for speaking
out openly, few Russians criticised the government. They expressed their
views in the forms of jokes – which they called anekdoty (anecdotes =
little stories). The KGB knew about these anecdotes, and you could be
arrested for telling them. The jokes give us unprecedented,
secret insight into the attitudes of Russians towards their lives.
The first 50 jokes are so-called ‘Armenian Radio’ anecdotes,
the Russian equivalent of our ‘Question:…; Answer:…’ jokes. They are based
on the popular perception of Armenians as ‘clever but subversive’.
1. As you read the
following jokes, discuss what each one means and why the Russians found it
funny.
2. Then, talk about what it
illustrates about Russian life at the time – try at least to put each joke
into one of the following categories:
3. Now, decide what the
jokes tell you about Life in Russia, 1917-1941 -
think about:
|
|
'Armenian Radio' jokes
1
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Will people have money when communism is built?”
We’re answering: “Some will, some will
not.”
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2
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Is it possible to build communism in America?”
We’re answering: “It's possible, but
who will we buy grain from?”
|
3
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “When the final phase of socialism, namely communism, is built,
will there still be thefts and pilfering?”
We’re answering: “No, because
everything will be already pilfered during socialism.”
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4
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is the most permanent feature of our socialist
economy?”
We’re answering: “Temporary
shortages.”
|
5
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?”
We’re answering: “In a capitalist
society man exploits man, and in a socialist one, the other way around.”
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6
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is the difference between the capitalist and the socialist
trade?”
We’re answering: “Capitalist trade
means everything is to be sold. Socialist trade means everything is to be
bought.”
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7
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Is it possible to make ends meet on salary alone?”
We’re answering: “We don't know, we
never tried.”
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8
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Is it true that American skyscrapers are the tallest in the
world?”
We’re answering: “Yes, it's true, but
on the other hand the Soviet-made transistors are the largest in the world.”
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9
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What will be the results of the next elections?”
We’re answering: “Nobody can tell.”
Somebody has stolen yesterday the exact results of the next elections from
the office of the Central Committee of the USSR.”
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10
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is the difference between Russian and English fairy tales?”
We’re answering: “The English fairy
tale start with ‘Once upon a time…’, and ours with ‘It will be soon…’”
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11
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Why did you not broadcast for such a long time?”
We’re answering: “We had to make some
changes in our staff. The previous broadcaster, while reading an article
that contained the words ‘Socialism is nothing as compared with communism,’
made a pause too long after the word ‘nothing.’”
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12
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon.”
Then, what is a horizon?”
We’re answering: “Horizon is an
imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it.”
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13
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What should we do if the Western borders of the USSR were
opened?”
We’re answering: “Rush to Siberia at
once in order not to be crushed in the stampede.”
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14
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Will the police still exist when communism is built?”
We’re answering: “Of course, not. By
that time, all citizens will have learned how to arrest themselves.”
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15
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What to do if a man you don't know takes a seat at your table in
a pub and starts to sigh?”
We’re answering: “Immediately demand
to stop the anti-Soviet propaganda.”
|
16
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in Switzerland?”
We’re answering: “It's possible, but
why? Did Switzerland really do something wrong to you?”
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17
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What shall we do if suddenly we feel a desire to work?”
We’re answering: “Just rest for a
while on a sofa. It will pass.”
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18
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Why some people say that Hungarians love the Russians and hate
the Americans?”
We’re answering: “Because Russians
helped Hungarians to get rid of one totalitarian rule, but Americans don't
help to get rid of the other.”
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19
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is the easiest way to explain the meaning of the word
‘communism’?”
We’re answering: “By means of fists.”
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20
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Why did the man who shot at a government limousine on the Red
Square miss the target?”
We’re answering: “Because citizens who
happened to be next to him tried to wrest the gun from him and shouted, ‘Let
me shoot!’”
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21
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What to do if vodka interferes with the job?”
We’re answering: “Get off the job.”
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22
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Why Lenin wore regular shoes, but Stalin wore boots?”
We’re answering: “At Lenin's time,
Russia was still only ankle-high in shit.”
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23
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is the duration of the workday in a socialist country?”
We’re answering: “Of course, it's an
eight-hour workday: from eight am to eight pm.”
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24
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is an exchange of opinions?”
We’re answering: “When you walk into
your boss's office with your opinion and walk out with his.”
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25
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Can a son of a General become a Marshal?”
We’re answering: “No, because every
Marshal also has a son.”
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26
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is a Soviet musical duet?”
We’re answering: “It's a musical
quartet after a trip abroad.”
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27
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “How to find out the precise time of the day?”
We’re answering: “A few seconds before
noon, you'll hear a low-pitched tone followed by a high-pitched tone.” At
that moment the time will be 12 noon, or at the most 12 and a quarter.”
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28
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Why is our government not in a hurry to land our men on the
moon?”
We’re answering: “What if they refuse
to return?”
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29
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Was it possible to criticize Hitler?”
We’re answering: “Sure.” The same way
as you criticized Stalin. You had to lock yourself in your bedroom, hide
under two, or better three covers, place a pillow, or better two pillows on
top of the blankets over your head, and then whisper whatever your soul
wishes about the dictator, strictly adhering to a five-minute limit.”
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30
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Which tea is better, Chinese or Soviet-grown?”
We’re answering: “Don't mix up in the
confrontation between the superpowers. Drink coffee.”
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31
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “When Nixon visited Moscow, he and Khrushchev ran around the
Kremlin in a race. Nixon came the first. How should our media report on
that?”
We’re answering: “The report should be
as follows: ‘In the international running competition the General Secretary
of the Communist Party took the honorable second place.’ Mister Nixon came
in one before last.”
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32
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Will there be the third world war?”
We’re answering: “No, but the struggle
for peace will reach such degree that there will be no stone left intact on
the earth.”
|
33
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Why policemen always walk the streets in teams of three?”
We’re answering: “The partners in the
police team are always chosen in such a way that one of them knows how to
read, the other how to write, and the third one, naturally, has to keep
watch over those two intellectuals.”
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34
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Is it true that there are two kinds of people serving as deputies
of the Supreme Soviet of the USSR, as members of the Supreme Court, and as
Soviet diplomats?”
We’re answering: “Yes, it is a true.
One kind is those not capable of anything at all, and the other, those
capable of anything whatsoever.”
|
35
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What if socialism were built in Greenland?”
We’re answering: “First snow would
become available only through ration cards, and later snow would be
distributed only to the KGB officers and their families.”
|
36
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is communism?”
We’re answering: “It's when everything
will be available in stores. In other words, like it was under the Tsar
Nicholas the Second.”
|
37
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and
USSR?” Both guarantee freedom of speech.”
We’re answering: “Yes, but the
Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.”
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38
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Why do we need two central newspapers, Pravda (Truth) and
Izvestiya (News) if both are organs of the same Party?”
We’re answering: “Because in Pravda
there is no news, and in Izvestiya there is no truth.”
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39
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is it that starts with an R and never ends?”
We’re answering: “Reorganization.”
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40
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Is it possible to build socialism in one stand-alone country?”
We’re answering: “It's possible, but
better to live in another country.”
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41
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Is it possible to solve a problem which has no solution?”
We’re answering: “We don't answer
questions related to agriculture.”
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42
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is permitted and what is prohibited?”
We’re answering: “In England, what is
permitted, is permitted, and what is prohibited, is prohibited.
In America everything is permitted
except for what is prohibited.
In Germany everything is prohibited
except for what is permitted.
In France everything is permitted,
even what is prohibited.
In the USSR everything is prohibited,
even what is permitted.
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43
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is a one word joke?”
We’re answering: “Communism
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44
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What is the longest joke?”
We’re answering: “The speech made by
Khrushchev at the Party congress.”
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45
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Why Solzhenitsyn, Brodsky, Bukovsky, and other dissidents have
been exiled from the country?”
We’re answering: “Don't you know that
the best products are always selected for export?”
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46
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Is there life on other planets?”
We’re answering: “On other planets
there is also no life.”
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47
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “What methods do our enemies use in their subversive work against
the socialist state?”
We’re answering: “Such questions we
discuss in our program ‘Useful Advice.’”
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48
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Are there questions you can't answer?”
We’re answering: “No. We approach
our job in accordance with the Marx' dialectics. To any question we can
give any answer.”
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49
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Why did butter disappear from the stores' shelves?”
We’re answering: “It all has melted
under the sun of the Soviet Constitution.”
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50
|
This is Armenian Radio; our listeners
asked us: “Is it true that Akopian had won last Sunday hundred thousand
rubles in the state lottery?”
We’re answering: “Yes, it is true.
Only it was not last Sunday but Monday. And it was not Akopian but
Vagramian. And not in the state lottery but in checkers. And not hundred
thousand but one hundred rubles. And not won but lost.”
|
Longer Jokes
1
|
Ivanov
applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.
"Comrade
Ivanov, do you smoke?"
"Yes, I do
a little."
"Do you
know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to
smoke?"
"If comrade
Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking."
"Do you
drink?"
"Yes, a
little."
"Comrade
Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness."
"Then I
shall cease drinking."
"Comrade
Ivanov, what about women?"
"A
little...."
"Do you
know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?"
"If comrade
Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer."
"Comrade
Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?"
"Of course.
Who needs such life?"
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2
|
Karl Marx
was resurrected and came to the USSR. He was shown factories, hospitals,
cities and villages, etc. Finally, he requested to be allowed to make a
speech on TV. The Politburo hesitated as they were afraid he might say
something they wouldn't approve. Marx promised he would say only one
sentence. Under this condition, the Politburo agreed. Karl Marx uttered the
following sentence: "Workers of all countries, forgive me."
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3
|
A rabbit
ran wildly in the street.
"Why are
you running like mad?" a bear asked.
"Don't you
know, they are now arresting all camels and castrating them."
"But you're
rabbit, not a camel."
"Right, but
if they catch you, and cut off your nuts, then you can prove that you're not
a camel!
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4
|
At a
meeting in a factory, a lecturer from the district Party committee tells the
workers about their bright future in the USSR.
"See,
comrades, after this five-year plan is completed, every family will have a
separate apartment. After the next five-year plan is completed, every worker
will have a car! And after one more five-year plan is completed, every
family will own an airplane!"
From the
audience, somebody asks, "What the hell one may need an airplane for?"
"Don't you
see comrades? Let's say, there are shortages in potatoes supplies in your
city. No problem! You take your own plane, fly to Moscow and buy potatoes!"
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5
|
A Polish
tourist comes back home after visiting the USSR. He carries two very large
and heavy suitcases. On his wrist is a new Soviet-made watch. He tells the
customs man: "This is a new Soviet watch. It's a wonder unknown in the
capitalist countries. You see, it shows time, the rate of your pulse beats,
the phases of the Moon, the weather in Warsaw, Moscow, and New York, and
more and more!"
"Yes, it's
a wonder," the customs man agrees. "And what is it you have in these big
suitcases?"
"Oh, it's
just the batteries for that watch."
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6
|
An old
wench waited for two hours to get in a bus. Bus after bus came full and she
couldn't squeeze herself in. When she finally managed to crawl in, she wiped
her forehead, and said, "Finally, glory to God!"
The driver
said, "Mother, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade
Stalin."
"Excuse me,
comrade," the woman said. "I'm just a backward old woman. I'll say from now
on as you told me."
After a
while, she said, "Excuse me, comrade, I am old and stupid. What shall I say
if, God forbid, Stalin dies?"
"Oh,
mother, then you shall say, "'Glory to God!"
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7
|
At a May
Day parade, a very old Jew carries a slogan, "Thank you, comrade Stalin, for
my happy childhood!"
The Party
representative approaches the old man. "What's that? Are you deriding our
Party? Everybody can see, when you were a child, comrade Stalin was not yet
born!"
"That's
precisely what I'm grateful to him for!" the Jew said.
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8
|
A woman
walking in the street is carrying a bag full of rolls of toilet paper.
A passer-by
opens his mouth, "Hey, mother, where did you buy it?"
"Buy? Are
you crazy? Where could I buy it nowadays? They are five years old. I am
taking them back from the cleaners."
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9
|
A man came
home and found his wife in bed with a stranger. Furious, the man shouted,
"You, good-for nothing, look at what you're spending your time for, while at
the corner store they're selling eggs, and they have only three boxes left!"
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10
|
Two
brothers, John, and Bob, who lived in America and were members of the
communist party, decided to emigrate to the USSR. Even though they didn't
believe the American media's negative reports on the conditions in the USSR,
they decided to exercise caution. First, only John would go to Russia to
test the waters. If, contrary to the media reports, the living conditions
would be found good, and the reports about persecutions by the KGB false,
than John would write a letter to Bob using black ink whose color would
signify that the letter is to be taken at face value. If, though, the
situation in the USSR happened to be bad, and John would be afraid of
writing the truth, he would use red ink thus indicating that whatever
he says in the letter must not be believed.
In three months John sent his first
report. It was in black ink and read, "Dear brother Bob! I'm so happy here!
It's a beautiful country, I enjoy complete freedom, and high standard of
living. All the capitalist press wrote was lies. Everything is readily
available! There is only one small thing of which there's shortage, namely
red ink."
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11
|
An
inspecting commission came to a lunatics asylum. To greet them, a choir of
the patients sang a song from a popular movie that says "Oh, how good it is
to live in the Soviet land!"
The
commission noticed that one of the men did not sing.
"Why are
you not singing?"
"I'm not
crazy, I'm a nurse here."
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12
|
A Jew
applied for a visa to leave for America. As his reason, he indicated that he
had a brother in America who fell ill and needed help. The officials at the
passport office said, "Then why won't your brother rather come over here?"
"My brother
is sick, but he's not mentally sick."
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13
|
A Russian,
a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.
The
Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made
love to Eve!"
The
Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only
apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."
The Russian
said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing
but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a
paradise?"
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14
|
To
alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist
Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting
shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary
of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, the
Politburo demanded an interim progress report. The scientists reported that
they had achieved a 50% success. The party requested elaboration. The reply
from the Academy of Sciences explained, "One can already spread it, but not
yet eat it."
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15
|
A judge
walks out of the courtroom, laughing loudly. A colleague asks, "What is it
you laugh about?"
"Ah, I just
heard an excellent anecdote," the judge says, sweeping tears of laughter.
"An
anecdote? Tell me!"
"Are you
crazy? I just sentenced a man to ten years for that anecdote."
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16
|
A
delegation of foreign communists came to see a Moscow kindergarten. Before
they came, the kids were instructed to answer every question by the visitors
with just one sentence, "In the USSR everything is the best in the world."
The
visitors came and asked their questions:
"Children,
do you like your kindergarten?"
"In the
USSR everything is the best in the world!" the kids shouted.
"And what
about the food you get?"
"In the
USSR everything is the best in the world!"
"Do you
like your toys?"
"In the
USSR everything is the best in the world!"
At that,
the smallest boy in the group started crying.
"Misha, why
are you crying? What happened?"
"I want to
go to the USSR!"
|
17
|
In the time
of Stalin's mass purges, a knock at the door woke a family in the middle of
night. All family members, shaking in terror, jumped up.
"Take all
you can carry with you, and get out at once," a voice sounded. "But, for
God's sake, don't panic! It's me, your neighbour. It is nothing
serious, just our house is on fire."
|
18
|
The year is
2010. In Moscow, a boy asks, "Grandpa, what is a line?"
"You see,
some twenty years back, there was not enough meat in stores, so people had
to form long queues at the stores' entrances and wait hoping some meat would
appear on sale. That was called line. Did you get it?"
"Yes,
Grandpa. And what is meat?"
|
19
|
In the
Olympics, a Soviet hammer thrower set a new record. Correspondents
interviewed him.
"How did
you manage to hurl that hammer so far?"
"If it were
together with a sickle, I would send it twice as far."
|
20
|
On the
occasion of the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution, a
meeting of Party members is held in a village. The Chairman of the local
Soviet gives a speech,
"Dear
comrades! Let's look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the
revolution. For example, here sits Maria. Who was she before? An illiterate
peasant woman, she had but one dress and no shoes. And now? She is an
exemplary milkmaid known over the entire region. Or look at Ivan Andreev. He
was the poorest man in this village, had no horse, no cow, and even no axe.
And now? He is a tractor driver, and has two pairs of shoes! Or look at
Trofim Semenovich Alekseev. He was a nasty hooligan, a lowest drunkard, a
dirty gadabout. Nobody trusted him even with a snowdrift in wintertime, as
he would steal anything his gaze fell upon. And now he's a Secretary of the
Party Committee!"
|
21
|
Seven
paradoxes of the socialist state:
Nobody
works, but the plan is always fulfilled. The plan is fulfilled, but the
shelves in the stores are empty. The shelves are empty, but nobody starves;
nobody starves, but everybody is unhappy; everybody is unhappy, but nobody
complains; nobody complains, but the jails are full.
|
22
|
A man
walked into the district committee of the Communist Party and said, "I wish
to join the Party. Where should I start?"
"Visit a
Psychiatrist."
|
23
|
Some thirty
people gathered to celebrate the birthday of the host. After a few bottles
of vodka were imbibed, the tongues got loose, and the guests started telling
political jokes. Through laughter, a voice sounded, "Comrades, please, it's
too noisy. In such a noise, I can't hear the jokes. I am writing it down,
you know."
A man
sitting next to the one who's writing down, says admiringly, "How do you
manage to write down that fast?"
"Oh, I'm
writing down only the initials."
|
24
|
In a
school, a survey was a conducted among the students. One of the questions
was "Would you suggest a classification of Soviet citizens in accordance
with any criterion you may choose?"
The son of
a KGB officer answered: 'There are three categories of Soviet people,
namely, 1) those who have already been to prison; 2) those who are now in
prison, and 3) those who will be in prison."
|
25
|
An
university Professor of Folklore asked his students, "Do you believe that
with time anecdotes are being reevaluated?"
"Yes. They
used to give for an anecdote fifteen years, and now they give only three."
|
26
|
A
competition for the best anecdote has been announced. First prize: twenty
five years; second prize: twenty years, and two condolence prizes: fifteen
years each.
|
27
|
A man
parked his car in the Red Square in Moscow. A policeman rushed to him,
shouting, "Are you crazy? Here is where the government is!"
"No
problem," the man answered, "I've good locks in my car."
|
28
|
In a
prison, two inmates share their experience.
"What did
they arrest you for?" one of them asks. "Was it a political or common
crime?"
"Of course
political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee
to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system requires
replacement.' So, they gave me seven years."
|
29
|
In Odessa,
a lecturer gave a public talk entitled "Is there life on Mars?"
When he
finished, he asked, "Any questions?"
"Yes.
When will we have a life in Odessa?"
|
30
|
A woman
walks into a food store. "Do you have any meat?"
"No, we
don't."
"What about
milk?"
"We only
deal with meat. Across the street there is that store where they have no
milk."
|
31
|
A guard
asked a political prisoner, "What is your term?"
"Ten
years."
"What for?"
"For
nothing."
"What a
lie! For nothing they give only five years."
|
32
|
A man died
and was sent to the paradise. After a while, he became bored with the
paradise, with the eternal quiet, abundance of flowers, absence of worries.
So he requested to let him visit the hell as a tourist. God consented. In
the hell, he saw people playing cards, drinking wine, and making love. He
liked it very much and upon return to the paradise applied for a transfer to
hell for good. God consented. As soon a he appeared at the hell's gate,
demons grabbed him and pushed him into a barrel with hot tar.
"Stop it! I
was here with a visit and saw the people drinking vodka, playing cards,
making love."
"Don't
confuse the area designated for tourists and sustained by the Propaganda
Department, with this area which is for residents."
|
33
|
Two former
schoolmates met in the street.
"Where do
you work?"
"I am a
school teacher. And what about you?"
"I work for
the KGB."
"Oh, and
what are you doing at the KGB?"
"We unearth
those who are dissatisfied."
"You mean,
there are also some who are satisfied?"
"Those who
are satisfied are dealt with by the Division for the Fight Against the
Embezzlements of the Socialist Property."
|
34
|
A
frightened man came to the KGB "My talking parrot disappeared."
"This is
not our case. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me.
Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you
officially that I disagree with that parrot."
|
35
|
A
mummy was found in Egypt. The archaeologists could not determine its origin.
Then a Soviet advisor offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the
Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet advisor appeared and said, "His name
was Amenkhotep 23 rd."
"How did
you find out?"
"He
confessed," the advisor said.
|
36
|
A Japanese
worker was sent to Russia to fix a piece of Japanese machinery. The Japanese
worked his eight hours a day without speaking to anybody. In a month, his
contract expired. Before leaving for Japan, the guest said with tears in his
eyes, "Me apologize, me good worker. Me know workers solidarity. But me has
contract, me has to work, me apologize for not participating in your long
strike."
|
37
|
A Russian,
a Frenchman and an American argued who was the bravest man. The American
said, "For example, we take ten cars of which one has no brakes. We throw
dice, each of us gets a car, we drive on a mountain road. Afterwards one of
us is in a hospital, and the other nine visit him there."
"That's
nothing," the Frenchman said. "We choose ten girls and one of them has AIDS.
We throw dice and each one of us gets a girl, and we make love to them
throughout the night. Afterwards one of us is in a hospital, and the other
nine visit him."
The Russian
said, "We gather in an apartment, even though we know that one of us must be
an informer. We tell political jokes throughout the night, and then nine are
in jail, and one visits the nine there."
|
38
|
A foreign
delegation came unexpectedly to a collective farm. There was no time to
prepare. After they left, the Chairman of the collective farm called the
District Party committee. "You didn't warn me in advance, so they saw
everything, the ruined cow sheds, and all the dirt, and all our misery and
poverty."
"Don't
worry," the Party secretary said.
"But now
they will tell about it all over the world."
"So, let
them indulge in their usual slander," the Party secretary said.
|
39
|
In a
school in the republic of Georgia the teacher asked the students to tell
about their fathers.
"Turashvili,
tell about your father."
"My father
grows oranges. He takes them to Moscow, sells there and makes good money."
"Now you,
Beridze."
"My father
grows laurel leaves. He takes them to Moscow, sells there, and makes good
money."
"Now you,
Klividze."
"My father
works in the Division for the Fight Against Embezzlements and Speculations.
When Beridze's and Turashvili's fathers go to Moscow, they always first see
my father. So he makes good money."
"Now you,
Chavchavadze."
"My father
is a chemical engineer."
The class
burst in laughter.
"Children,"
the teacher said. "It's not good to laugh at somebody's grief."
|
40
|
There was
an international competition for the best book about elephants.
France submitted a lavishly illustrated volume titled "Love triangles in the
elephants' families."
England presented a treatise "Elephants and the World Trade."
Germany submitted 24 volume set under the title "Introduction into
elephantology."
The USA
furnished one million copies of a leaflet announcing a sweepstakes, "Win an
Elephant. No purchase necessary."
The USSR
sent three volumes, with the following titles,
Vol. 1.
Role of elephants in the Great October Socialist Revolution.
Vol. 2. The
happy life of elephants under the sun of the most progressive in the world
Soviet Constitution.
Vol. 3.
Russia - the Motherland of elephants.
|
41
|
In a
questionnaire for applicants to the communist Party membership one of the
questions was, "What is your attitude to the Soviet authority?" One
applicant answered, "The same as to my wife." To the request to elaborate,
the applicant explained, "First, I love her; second, I fear her; third, I
wish I had another one."
|
42
|
Bedbugs
appeared in the house occupied by the secretary of the region Party
committee. The Party boss summoned an expert on insects and asked him how to
get rid of bedbugs. The expert said, "The best way is to organize a
collective farm for bedbugs. Then half of them will flee, and the rest will
croak."
|
43
|
Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was
photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what
should be the caption under the picture.
"Comrade Khrushchev among pigs,"
"Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," "Pigs around comrade Khrushchev," -- all is
rejected. Finally the editor makes the decision. The caption is "The third
from left - comrade Khrushchev."
|
44
|
Once Stalin received a delegation of
workers from the Urals. When the workers left, Stalin looked around for his
pipe but did not see it. He called the Chairman of the KGB Lavrentiy Beria
and said, "Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe disappeared after the visit of those
workers."
"Yes, Yosif Vissarionovich, I'll
immediately take proper measures."
Ten minutes later, Stalin pulled out a
drawer in his desk and saw his pipe. He struck a match, puffed out a ring of
smoke, and dialed Beria's number.
"Lavrentiy Pavlovich, my pipe's been
found."
"What a pity," Beria said. "All of
them have already confessed."
|
45
|
In the Red Square in Moscow, a line is
snaking toward the Lenin's tomb. A change of guard is watched by the
onlookers. A kid asks, "Daddy, why do they always keep guard at the tomb?"
"Didn't you hear what they say all the
time? Lenin lived, Lenin is alive, Lenin will live forever. What if , God
forbid, he is indeed alive, and decides to walk out of the tomb?"
|
46
|
Once Stalin invited several Marshals
of the Soviet Union and ordered them to wrestle in front of him on a carpet.
Marshal Tukhachevsky won all rounds. This angered Stalin. He ordered to
summon Marshal Timoshenko who was a very big man.
Timoshenko arrived and easily
overpowered Tukhachevsky. As Tukhachevsky fell to the carpet, he hit his
head. Timoshenko, putting in order his uniform, loudly expressed regret.
"Don't worry, comrade Timoshenko,"
Stalin said. "He will not need his head any longer."
|
47
|
Stalin summons the famous writer
Sholokhov.
"I've read your novel "The reclaimed
land". It's very good, I like it. I thought, why won't you write an article,
say 'If the enemy doesn't surrender, he's to be finished off?"
"I am afraid I may not be able to
tackle it, comrade Stalin. Lately my health is not that well."
"We'll help you. We'll send you to
Georgia for a while, you'll have there some wine, and grapes."
"Yes, comrade Stalin. Then please let
me bid farewell to my family."
"Why?"
"In case the article is not
successful."
|
48
|
During the war, Stalin discussed with
Marshal Zhukov the plans for a new offensive. "What do you think, comrade
Zhukov, what direction should we choose for the attack?"
"West, comrade Stalin."
"Go and think, comrade Zhukov!"
As Zhukov walked out, he muttered,
"What a pig!"
Stalin's secretary Poskrebyshev
overheard the Marshal and reported to Stalin. Zhukov was ordered back to
Stalin's office.
"Whom did you have in mind when you
said 'What a pig?' Stalin asked.
"Of course, I meant Hitler," Zhukov
said.
"Then whom did you have in mind,
comrade Poskrebyshev?" Stalin said.
|
49
|
Stalin summoned Radek and said, "I
know you spread jokes about me. It's impertinent."
"Why?"
"I am the Great Leader, Teacher, and
Friend of the people after all."
"No, I've not told anybody this joke."
|
50
|
Stalin walked into Lenin's office and
asked, "Vladimir Ilyich, may I order to shoot a dozen communists?"
"If the interests of the Party demand
it, by all means," Lenin answered.
"Vladimir Ilyich, if necessary, may we
shoot one hundred communists?"
"If necessary, the answer is Yes."
"Vladimir Ilyich, may we, if need be,
shoot one thousand Party members?"
"If there is a real need, yes."
"Vladimir Ilyich, may we, if the
situation demands, shoot one million of Party Members?"
"Eh, Iosif Vissarionovich, now we'll
criticize you in a comradely way, and may even say to you that you
exaggerate a little."
|
51
|
Stalin is dead and things have begun to lighten up a bit relatively
speaking. An old couple live in an apartment in Moscow and she sends him
down to buy some meat for supper. After queueing for the obligatory three
hours he gets to the counter and the woman says 'No more meat, meat
finished'. He cracks and starts raving 'I fought in the Revolution, I fought
for Lenin in the First World War and for Stalin in the Second World War and
we are still in this shit?' One of the leather-jacketed brigade takes him on
one side and says 'Look old man you know you can't talk like this. Just
think, a few years ago you would have been shot for saying these things.'
The old man trudges home. His wife seeing him empty-handed says 'Run out of
meat again have they?' He says: 'It's worse than that, they've run out of
bullets.'
|
A man asked for a meal in a restaurant.
The waiter brought the food and put it on the table. After a moment, the man
called the waiter and said:
"Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in
my soup!"
"Please don't speak so loudly, sir,"
said the waiter, "or everyone will want one."
----------------------------------------------------------
What is the longest word in the English
language?
"Smiles". Because there is a
mile between its first and last letters!
------------------------------------------------------------------
There are 5 birds in a tree. A hunter
shoots 2 of them dead. How many birds are left?
2 birds. The other 3 fly away!
----------------------------------------------------------
An English teacher wrote these words on
the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then
asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
----------------------------------------
The woman was in bed with her lover and
had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open
and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are
you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he
was stupid?"
----------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a pessimist? A
pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Mark
called in to see his friend Angus (a Scotman) to find he was stripping the
wallpaper from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating,
I see." to which Angus replied "No. I'm moving house."
-------------------------------------------------------------
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and
an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in
each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his
beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued
drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out
of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT,
SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"
-------------------------------------------------------
A man was injected with a deadly poison,
but, it did not kill him. Why?
He was already dead!
-------------------------------------------------------
A Scottish farmer was in his field
digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked
over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we
just grow them for our own mouths!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Eskimo: Where did your mother come
from?
2nd Eskimo: Alaska
1st Eskimo: Don't bother, I'll ask her
myself!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Charles
was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be
late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Five Englishmen boarded a train just
behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before
the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the
back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and
called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the
door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the
Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed
by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try
this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the
Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the
conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the
Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the
Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid
out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on
his head?
Because from a distance they looked like
hares!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An English man and an Irish man are
driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast
for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of
both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration
of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that
moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year
old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may
the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The
Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted
over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies:
'' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do cows have horns? Because their
horns don't work!
------------------------------------------------------------
There was an Scotsman, an
Englishman and
Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through
Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old
style
train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then
there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When
the train
came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting
as if
nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as
he had
been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The
Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped
me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The
English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and
got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is
great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing
noise and slap that English b**tard again .
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What kind of ears does an engine have?
Engineers
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim was speeding along the road one fine
day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's
wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife
fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you count a herd of cattle?
With a cowculator.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A Scots boy came home from school and
told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful,"
says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part
of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and
tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman had no idea his wife was
having an affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he
surprised her and her lover in the act.
He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at
his head, which made his wife burst out laughing.
"What do you think you're laughing
at," he cried, "you're next."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn
of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an
Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have
you no ambition)?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a
farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One
night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in
attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern,
Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the
proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At an auction in Manchester a wealthy
American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would
give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A customer ordered some coffee in a
cafe. The waitress arrived with the coffee and placed it on the table. After a
few moments, the customer called for the waitress "Waitress," he said,
"there's dirt in my coffee!". "That's not surprising, sir,
replied the waitress, "It was ground only half an hour ago."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Americans are talking. One asks:
"What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
An English man, Irishman and a
Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The
pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".
Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah.
That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for
free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says
"Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland.
In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into
the backroom for a shag"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."
------------------------------------------------------------------
What's green and look's like a bucket?
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